#5 Today, God says, “You Can Bless The World.” - text
#5 Today, God says, “You Can Bless The World.”
Family is a comforting word for some, while others hear it and shudder. In the millennium family now means many things and some are far removed from the original design. That design was and still is good. In this message we’ll attempt to shed some cultural baggage and see how the world is better because of God’s gift: family.
Claim of the text.
– The fifth commandment instructs individuals to give proper weight to their parents, which will benefit their society as a whole.
Focus
– Families that are organized around honor, function according to God’s best design and are a blessing for their community.
Function
– The message will challenge both parents and children to honor their family inter-relationships.
Message
Some things are almost universal to human culture but one thing seems to rise above the rest. Virtually every culture over time has had music, art and sport of some form, along with work and architecture. But the thing that all this is built upon is the family. It seems universally practiced, to organize people by the way they, we, come into the world.
And yes there are many forms to this structure. Families can be what we term the traditional mom, dad and 2.5 kids. We can hold this up as the purest form. That’s debatable because families can also be one parent; they can be ‘no parent.’ They can be blended; the possibilities are fairly extensive. Who is included in the family – the household is also up for grabs. In western culture, predominantly Europe and North American, the family household is usually just mom and dad and those 2.5 kids. But in much of the rest of the world, families live multi-generationally. That is, mom, dad, grand pa and grand ma all live together with the kids. There may even be an odd uncle or aunt thrown in. All very normal ways of doing things.
And of course one other family related issues must be mentioned: dysfunction. Not all families have healthy inter-relationships. That’s one reason why there is so much tension around family and people’s desire to break ties. On the flip side however, there are many who love and cherish their family.
Lots of diversity, lots of difference in practice. But no matter the structure, families that work have something in common. And that thing is all wrapped up in a single word: honour.
Today we’re continuing on in our series in the ten commandments. We’ve done the first four. They describe the God of covenant, partnership. And what it means to take the covenant seriously, to live in it. This partnership with the almighty. The last 6, all have to do with remaining in covenant relationships with other people. And these relationships are all about partnership with the people in our society/community beginning with the families we’ve been born into.
The text is Exodus 20.1, 12 which read, “The Lord spoke all these words saying,
12“Honor your father and your mother so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
So, honor, that’s where it begins. The biblical concept of honor is complex. It’s a word that is related to many others. They include weight, both actual and the weight of responsibility or stature – he’s a heavy weight in the community. Heaviness as in obligation or burden. It is related to hardness as in tough choices and courage to make them. And glory. Glory as being the weight of reputation and giving something of respect, admiration and obedience. We sometimes say - we’re standing in the presence of greatness. And the implication is that the person is to be recognized for superior achievement or character. That last one is really what the commandment is getting at. As John Oswalt says, “It is significant to remind oneself that giving honor or glory is to say that someone is deserving of respect, attention and obedience.“ (John Oswalt)
And this has to be the place to start our analysis of the commandment. Because what it’s suggesting is that parents, which ends up being most people, have worth and are deserving of honour. And at this point some of us are agreeing while others are silently thinking: prove it, you have no idea what my parent was like. Okay let’s do it.
The approach will be the same as we’ve used thus far. Let’s ask and answer some questions moving from why did God give the command to what is the Lord commanding to how we might keep it?
So, why did God give the command?
The first reason is because families that are organized around honor, function according to God’s best design and are a blessing for their community. The commandment comes to the Hebrew people helping them transition from slavery to freedom. We don’t know how families were organized prior to their exodus but we can be sure that the authority came not from the parents but the Egyptian king. In this commandment, in the covenant it is a part of, the people are learning that there is a God who is the authority on earth. Far above the Egyptian king or anyone else. And that very same God is entrusting something precious to parents. The commandment “is concerned with honoring parents, who have the awesome role in the family of representing God to their children.” (Douglas Stuart) God’s design is for parent led families that reveal something of who God is.
The next reason has to do with the kind of world they lived in. Like many Asian and south Asian families today, the Hebrew people belonged to what is called a shame/honor culture. In it, families depended on each member to pull their weight and to ensure the families survival. Ancient Israel was an agriculture dependent culture. Everyone had to work to make sure that the family prospered. Children who disrespected their parents cause the family social shame and potential economic disaster.
Recently an Asian man was in a news report. His son has been accused of keying cars. The man left the courtroom with his jacket over his head. Why? Because the shame of his son’s actions, even just the accusation is shaming and it may impact him economically and certainly socially.
And so as we look through the biblical texts we see that refusing to honor parents is so destabilizing to the community and an affront to the delegated authority God gave the parents that the penalties are harsh. The listed infractions included not caring for the elderly, violence or disrespect (cursing), and improper burial.
Deuteronomy 21 18If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, 19his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. 20They shall say to the elders, “This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard.” 21Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid. “
Wow. But for the people then, family stability was essential for survival. And is it any different now? Dishonoring one’s parents still affects everyone in the family and in their society. So the principles behind honor and shame continue to impact and enhance family life today.
Why does God continue to give the commandment? Third and last, because a family where honoring each other is practiced tends to be stable. And a stable home life promotes health, intellectual development and economic potential for children to live in. A stable family provides a place for a child to develop a strong self-image. We know who we are because of the stable environment of our parental home.
And out of a stable home where children learn to obey parental authority come children who know to obey appropriate community authorities. I think that we know this and see it all around us. The practical reality of God‘s good design is never more obvious as when it is absent.
That’s the why of it. More could be said of course, but let’s move to the what of it. What is God asking in the commandment?
This word to us is more choice than emotion. We so want to be liked in our world. To have our children be our friends. But no friendship works that way. First comes respect and admiration then friendship. As we live the commandment to honor, we may well find ourselves in that awesome place of enjoying the family we’ve been given into.
“Love is a natural impulse, honour is a moral choice; honour is the moral fibre that hold a family together.” Lewis Smedes
Broadly speaking, the commandment is calling on children to honour their parents and for parents to also honour their children.
First the children, and we start here because the commandment does also. Children come to us as vulnerable and immature. They need to learn who they are and how to function in the world. And in order to gain these valuable gifts, they are expected to honour their parents. To give respect because their parents are their parents with delegated authority to teach and train. Jesus was no exception to the rule and we see him in the one childhood story that we have, obeying his parents.
Luke tells us how he stays behind on a trip to Jerusalem. He had a good reason but he disrespected his parents and was chastised for it.
Luke 2.48When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.”
49“Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” But they did not understand what he was saying to them. 51Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them.
It seems pretty typical, the child thinks they know best and as right as Jesus may have been, he still had an obligation to his parents. But, that doesn’t last forever. Later as he’s an adult we see some tensions in his relationship with his mother.
Matthew 12.46While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”
48He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” 49Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”
There is much going on in the passage but what we see is that Jesus’ mother’s authority over her adult son is different. Jesus is respectful but he does not heed her every word.
I handed out some Q&A sheets for these messages and this question came up twice: what is the difference between honouring and obeying one’s parents? The answer to the question is a trajectory. The two Jesus stories tell us that when young, the parents are in charge fully and completely. They must discern what is best for the child. Yes, listening and with great sensitivity to their child’s unique character and abilities, temperament and way. But the final word belongs to mom and dad. And then as an adult we see that Jesus is now his own man. Mom can speak and share her insights, but now the decision is fully and completely up to the adult child.
The trajectory is dependence toward independence. And the speed of that trajectory is difficult to plot. Parents must begin to let go early and avoid using finances or guilt to keep control of their children. Emotional, financial and spiritual blackmail are crue1l tools in the hands of a parent. And conversely, children must learn to be independent, not accepting the financial help when strings are so obviously attached, not listening to honeyed words that really just confine and not liberate.
How can you avoid the pitfalls? In community. Becoming and adult children have the best chance at seeing this by asking friends or their spouse. Just ask how much control they think your parents have over them still. Parents you can do the same. I’m just trying to help can be true, misguided but true. And the relational harm . . . . One parent told me that his dad asked him one day if he’d done anything, been too controlling, been unfair. His son had a free pass to speak, their relationship was that good. Another once told me that she wanted to have a similar conversation with her mom. The mom wasn’t responsive, but this courageous daughter spoke her piece – in grace and love - anyway. One of the most freeing acts of her life.
It’s a hard thing parenting. So, a word to kids of all ages that live at home. First, you are to obey your parents. It’s their home. Second, learn to live without the need for your parents approval. That is don’t let all your decisions be – I’m only doing this to make my dad or mom happy. It’s fine to receive approval, we all need it. Just don’t allow it to be a compulsion. And third, as we age – we parents – let us have a continuing role in your lives. Let us in on what’s going on. And last, children remember that your parents are on a spiritual journey just as you are. God is not done with any of us yet. Pray for your parents when times are good and relationships sound. Pray when things are tense. We’re in this together.
Ephesians 6.3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right 2“Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
And here’s where we transition to the other end. The last phrase reminds us of parent’s responsibilities. The meaning of honour, as I said was heaviness or obligation. It also means to weigh.
Parents we will be honoured by our children but we also have to expect that they will weigh us. Blind obedience is never commanded by God when to do so would be dangerous, or in opposition to what God would have for us. Abuse is always wrong.
Parent’s we must remember that our authority is a delegated one. Given by God, we are just stewards of the children we’ve been blessed with. Our children are not our possessions to live out our live with again. Our highest calling as parents is not to make our children wealthy, it is not to give them every opportunity in the arts or athletics. It is not to provide them with all the creature comforts from Wii game consoles to cell phones or even separate bedrooms. Our highest calling is that they see in us Jesus.
All the rest of that stuff is fine. But is a snare and a trap when Jesus is not first.
And we can know whether our authority is real or not. If our lives are authentically centered around Christ, our children will respond to it and we will have peace. They will accept discipline, they will respect us. But if that authenticity is absent, then obedience from our children may well just be a means of keeping the gravy train moving.
We are to create a safe place for our children to live and discover who they are as image bearers of God. A safe environment includes a right to life, to care, safety from abuse, to unconditional acceptance and fairness.
In a safe environment children find their identity as a part of the family, not first as an individual. Do we wonder why our culture seems so selfish? It begins at home.
In a safe environment, both joy and anger can be expressed throughout life. The reality is that too often these dynamics do not take place and there is brokenness in our familial relationships. Unspoken words of longing or anger fester and the child does what can only be expected.
And, just so that we’re all clear on this: even when we do all of this, the child may reject our words and worth. It is painful when it happens. What do we do? That will always depend on the age of the child and the seriousness of the situation. Maybe it will require separate living arrangements. Maybe not, but there are excellent resources for parents and youth available. These include friends, extended family and professional counseling. And over all, we pray. Pray for your children. Never stop because God loves them and desires to change their hearts and ours. We are all on a journey, God is not done with us yet.
And I’ve repeated that bit twice. Once for children and once for parents. And let’s face it, most of us for most of our lives will be both. We need these words: God is not done with us yet because in them, God is making a promise.
A promise for change.
Our world is broken and for many of us family relationships are fractured. So, the best way to begin is to seek God’s promise actively. In light of brokenness, pray.
Pray for grace to honour our parents/children.
Pray for wisdom to know when to obey and when to honour and when to refuse the grip of guilt or manipulation.
Pray for healing between the generations.
Pray for reconciliation.
And God will guide our prayers. He may show us our hidden faults. May, he will. But he will also vindicate our just cause. No one ever said that growing up would be easy.
And finally, regardless of brokenness, we can cling to hope. God’s grace will always be big enough to see us through and heal our distress.
Malachai 4.6 4“Remember the law of my servant Moses, the decrees and laws I gave him at Horeb for all Israel.
5“See, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. 6He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with total destruction.”
Strike the land? That’s an exclamation expression – it will happen, says the Lord. I will bring reconciliation. And it begins today, right now.
Lord’s Supper.